OUT TO LUNCH: A crackalicious CANADA CRACK story
by canaderp-williams
Summary: It started off like an average day. Alfred had dragged me to KFC. Nothing weird about that, eh? Yeah I was wrong. / PURE CRACK / M for a paranoid author / AS SEEN ON INSTAGRAM! / No pairings /
1. Fried Chicken

_Oh yes hi. You may know me from Instagram as my (new) username suggests. Anyway, this is a crack thing I update every week on there. This uhm. I honestly have no clue what direction this is going in. Nor do I have an idea where it's been. Kthanksbye._

_Yeah this is M. Author is paranoid._

_Oh yeah __**I don't own Hetalia or KFC**__. It'd be nice if I did. Just imagine it; lounging around with hot men and fried chicken. Ohyes._

* * *

"I GOTS ME SOME FRIED CHICKEN!" Alfred exclaimed as he triumphantly stood up on the table in KFC. I groaned, watching as a light yellow puddle formed beneath the American. He wet himself again.

Suddenly, a truck rammed into the side of the establishment, and two boys got out of it. One was a short boy with messy black hair under a red hat, and the other was Ludwig.

"VE~!" Italy yelled, running from nowhere and latching into Germany's midsection. I glanced over at Alfred, who was laying on the table in his own urine, fried chicken crumbs all over him.

"I'M GONNA CATCH 'EM ALL!" The other boy yelled, pulling out some strange ball-like object and throwing it at Alfred. The American suddenly disappeared in a flash of red. The ball shook for a few moments, and then stopped moving, the button in the centre glowing red once. I only watched, dumbfounded.

Suddenly, the walls of KFC began to melt and we were all left, floating around a black abyss. I looked at the others; the kid was triumphantly holding the ball that contained Alfred, Germany was naked and Italy was deep-throating him, and the KFC employees spontaneously combusted.

A sudden light appeared from up above, and soon after, a disco ball emerged from the nothingness. Under the disco ball, a portal opened up, and Austria emerged, wearing a sparkly purple party dress, and 5-inch high heels. Poland emerged from another portal, wearing a similar dress, only pink. I looked down at myself, surprised that I was now wearing the same dress, only red. Germany was still butt-naked, and blood started spewing from his anus. Feli started running in circles around Austria, only to explode shortly after. Austria and Poland started chanting some song about 'never ever ever getting back together' and the whole world went black once again.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED - MAYBE


	2. HEROCAKES! I CHOOSE YOU!

_JE NE OWN PAS POKÉMON. _

_Or Hetalia._

_What else should I say. _

_I got nothing._

_OHONHONHON._

_ಠ___ಠ _

* * *

I found myself in a meadow, the sky a vibrant blue colour, and fluffy white clouds floating by. There was a slight breeze, making the luscious green trees and tall grass sway. Golden, amethyst, and rose-coloured flowers dotted the soft green grass.

"A WILD ENGLAND APPEARED!" a voice boomed from out of nowhere. Was God speaking to me? I looked up at the sky, squinting at the bright sun, then looking in the direction of a rustling sound in the grass.

Arthur scurried through the tall grass on all fours, making snorting noises, a white foamy substance dripping from his mouth. The Brit made a move to pounce on me, but then the boy from before—with the red hat, came out of nowhere, throwing that red and white ball out.

Out came Alfred, who let out a powerful roar. He intercepted Arthur's attack, sending the rabid British man tumbling into the grass.

"HEROCAKES! Use flamethrower!" The child demanded, pointing needlessly in the general direction of the fight. America leapt into the sky, doing a mid-air kick, before a blast of flames erupted from his mouth, scorching the British man on the ground, giving him an appearance much like his scones. Arthur twitched, and another red and white ball was sent his way. He too was captured, much like Alfred.

"Are you okay?" The boy asked me, recalling Alfred into his ball and pocketing the two balls. He held a gloved hand out, and I took it gingerly and shook, nodding slightly.

"My name's Ash! And I'm gonna be the ruler of the wor- I mean, a Pokémon master!" I shrugged. What could a little kid do?

"I-I'm Matthew," I said, simply. Ash nodded, adjusting his hat slightly. I looked off at the distance. Truly, I was lost. What had just happened? England was rabid, and America had just spit flames. And now this little boy had control of them both?

A flash of light illuminated the meadow, and Austria, Poland, Sealand, Iceland, Switzerland and China appeared in a circle around us, each wearing a different coloured sparkly party dress. They chanted the same thing again; "WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER!"

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED, MAPLE.


	3. ಠwಠ

_Yo, wat up ma bro._

_I still don't own Pokémon. Or Hetalia._

**_Warnings: _**_EnergyShipping._

* * *

I awoke in a dark cave, Ash laying passed out beside me. I moved to sit up, stretching my back and arms. Then I heard voices. They echoed through the cave. The faint light of a flashlight, or something glowed from around a corner.

"Volk, what if they see us?" One male voice asked, worriedly. The other let out a loud sigh.

"They're not going to find us here, Roark. The mine's closed, anyways, right? Nobody in their right mind would come here at n-"

I stared at the men, wide-eyed like a deer in the headlights. Well, I kind of was; both of them wore safety helmets with headlights on them. They were both gaping, and I was the first to open my mouth to speak.

"Um-"

I was cut off by the red headed man wearing a pink miniskirt throwing out one of those red and white balls. A large, grey and blue dinosaur-like creature emerged from it, letting out a roar.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?!" He asked, angrily. Ash seemed to have woken up from the ruckus, putting his hat on and looking over.

"Oh, hi Roark! And Volkner! What are you guys doin' here?" The kid asked, grinning like an idiot. The two men previously mentioned looked over at Ash in confusion.

"We should be the ones asking that, Ash," the blonde man—Volkner, said, "what are you doing in the mine at this hour? And who's your friend?"

"Oh, um. Well, I dunno, really. I kinda just woke up here... And that's Matthew. Say hi Matt!"

"H-Hi...?" The blonde and the redhead just shook their heads.

"Ash, you'll have to get out of here— you and your friend, before I have to shoot you," the shorter, red headed man named Roark said, holding up a gun, aimed at Ash's crotch.

"OKAY OKAY. Come on Mattie!" Ash yelled, grabbing my hand and dragging me out of the mine.

When we were out, the sky was dark, and a smoky, dirty scent filled the air. I felt a strange tug at my navel and I was whisked away, once again.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED~


	4. Voldie and the Death Eaters

_ಠ___ಠ _

**_Warnings:_**_ Character deaths._

* * *

I opened my eyes, and a group of boys were surrounding me, staring at me. I sat up, looking around.

"W-Where am I...?" I asked.

"Well, you're at Hogwarts, of course!" A redhead said, stepping back. He held a broomstick in his hands. I vaguely remembered Arthur mentioning such a place. I stood up, noticing a man with greasy black hair and a black cloak thinggy standing in the field also. Suddenly, there was a sound of an explosion, and a gigantic castle that I had just noticed was on fire. The boys that had previously surrounded me now ran in circles, shouting things about Death Eaters. A random stage came up from the ground, and five men stood on it, facing away from me. One turned around, disappearing in a puff of green smoke, but then appearing at a drum set. Another turned, disappearing and appearing with a bass guitar in his hands. Two others did the same, appearing with a guitar in each of their hands. The last one turned, holding a microphone.

"VOLDEMORT!" One of the boys shouted. He had messy black hair and stupid glasses, and pointed a stick at the pale, bald man with no nose, who held the microphone. A bang was heard, and the boy fell to the ground, bleeding out of a bullet wound to the head. The greasy haired man from before lowered his gun, shoving it down his pants.

There was a sign across the top of the stage that read 'Voldie and the Death Eaters'. The man with no nose shouted out into his microphone.

"ARE YOU READY TO PARTY...?!" He asked nobody in general. Quiet _boo's_ were heard, along with more gunshot _bangs_. The pale man counted off, and the drummer began a short solo before the guitars and bass joined in.

"I WANNA EAT YOUR SOUL. EAT IT GOOD. EAT IT HARD. FEEL IT GO DOWN MY THROAT. I LOVE PUPPIES. I EAT DEATH. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN. MOOOOOOO!" He pig squealed into the microphone, continuing to squeal on about how good children tasted in fruit salad. I wanted to cover my ears, but I saw some people do such and then get shot, so I did my best not to do that. Suddenly, a giant child appeared from over the hills, and I identified it as Sealand. But why was he wearing a maid outfit?

"I AM A BIG NATION!" He yelled, stepping on all of the other people. I wanted to piss myself. Sealand was scary. The micro nation picked me up and ate me. I screamed.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED, EH.


	5. Journey Through Sealand

_If you were to ask me what the __**hell**__ is going on here, I would have no answer. I do what I want, maplef*ckers._

_Sorry for the language and name calling._

_I can't help it._

**_MAPLEF*CKER._**

_Still don't own Hetalia. If I did, it'd probably be Canada-talia or something, I swear._

_Mon dieu = My god._

* * *

I fell down Sealand's esophagus, splashing down into his stomach acids, and suddenly feeling a horrible burning sensation. I scurried my way on top of a blue tractor trailer that he had somehow consumed, and looked around. **Mon dieu**, it smelled horrible in here. Oh, look! There's Netherlands! I waved at him, though he probably didn't notice me. He was getting high and sitting on the roof of a house, floating around in the stomach acids of Sealand. He noticed me.

"America? You got eaten too, brah?!" I sighed. Suddenly, the stomach acids started churning and I ended up in a tunnel. Also known as the small intestines. How wonderful.

* * *

Three days later, I fell out of Sealand in a pile of his dung. Lars (Netherlands) was still with me. We were in the woods somewhere. Poor Lars didn't know what was going on he was so high. Well, I was high too but not as high as him. He's higher than the ozone layer. Whatever that is. We found a tulip meadow and danced around, eventually passing out and waking up to the sound of a very loud farting noise.

Cuba. Apparently he and beans didn't mix. Lars gave him some weed and we all got high. Cuba wanted to spank me because he thought I was America, so he stripped my pants off and slapped my butt. Ow. Eventually we were all running around with no pants on, singing songs about corn. That was, until 'the thing' appeared. _The_ thing.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED.


	6. Fried Swablu and Buoyant Cubans

_I'm running out of things to say. I don't own Narnia. Or Pokémon. Or Hetalia._

* * *

The thing was a man. By the name of Prussia. Prussia was eating a fried Swablu and it's entirety; feathers and everything. He explained to the three high men that a flock of Swablu were picking on Gilbird so he fried them all. Cuba passed out (not without passing gas), and Lars flipped the Prussian off and jabbed his middle finger up the albino's nose. Gilbert; outraged, decided to fry Lars too. And conquer his vital regions. I decided to flee and grabbed Cuba by his fat leg and dragged him off into a giant chasm. Filled with blood. I threw Cuba in and used him as a raft because he was so buoyant.

After crossing the bloody chasm, we were in NARNIA. I ditched Cuba because he wouldn't wake up from hibernation. I wandered off through the snowy valleys of NARNIA. To my surprise, everyone in NARNIA was butt-naked. I looked down at myself to discover he was too, butt-naked. I shrugged it off, walking into the nearest pub. Rabid England was drunk, screaming about fish and chips. I decided to stay away from him. I sat in the corner, with a knife; bored as ever. So to cure my boredom, I slaughtered all the people in the pub and made a pulled pork sandwich with them. Hungary showed up in the doorway, holding a big-ass frying pan.

**"Oh shit."**

* * *

TER BER CERNTERNURED.


	7. Soup

_Lalalalallalalallalalalalalalalallalalallalalalall alalalalla_

_I own nothing._

* * *

I awoke, realizing all that shit had been a marijuana-induced dream. Well, shit. I looked around and realized I was in a tub. The tub smelled suspiciously of vinegar. Russia walked over and explained that I was in a soup. What. I slapped the heck out of him and ran like hell, despite the fact I was naked. When I exited his house, I was surprised to find it was warm and sunny. And I was in a field of sunflowers. This green thing started following me around, and I got pissed and slapped it. It made a hissing sound and I flipped the crap out, running like hell again. The dipshit exploded. What the heck. There was now a big crater in the field of sunflowers.

I continued to stroll my way along, eventually coming across a bucket of fried chicken. I poked it and it growled. Oh shit. The thing started chasing me and I accidentally ran off a cliff. Oops. I must not be completely sober yet. As I plummeted to my death, my life flashed before my eyes. Man, I'm lame. I hit the ground and bounced off. What. Turns out the ground was actually Alfred/Herocake's stomach. That Ash kid walked over, hitting me with a stick and then pointing a NERF gun at me. Ffffuuuuuuu.

* * *

**To be continued.**


	8. CANADA IS BLASTING AWAY

_Haven't updated in a while._

_Oops._

_*gives all 0 of you followers a cake*_

_Did I mention I own nothing._

* * *

Apparently Ash had rigged the NERF gun to shoot actual bullets. So he shot me, laughing hysterically and watching me flail around screaming for thirty minutes straight as I clutched my bleeding chest. Then he began to take a blood sample and stick it in a machine. After a loud bang and a puff of smoke, a thing emerged from the machine. A thing that looked like me.

Ash explained that it was a cloning machine. So great now I have a fucking clone of myself to go around fucking up my already fucked up life. Fuck. I pulled out my hockey stick and began repeatedly bludgeoning the clone. It just grabbed me by the arm and flung me off somewhere.

"CANADA IS BLASTING AWAY!" I screamed until I hit the ground.

•••

I landed in front of a sign that read 'Pallet Town'. Sounds stupid. Some old guy walked over to me and asked me if I wanted a Pokémon. I took my hockey stick and whacked him. That bitch died.

It was past his time anyways.

"H-Hey! You killed gramps!" Some kid with stupid hair yelled. I flipped him off. He hugged me. What. "I wanted him dead so long ago. I love you."

"Qui la baise es-tu?!" I yelled, shoving him away. He only hugged me tighter. Man did I want to shoot this kid.

"What?" He asked. I repeated myself. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I..." The kid began, standing on some fucking tree stump that showed up from nowhere. "I AM GARY!"

"Well fuck you, Gary."

Gary stripped his clothes off.

* * *

**To be continued. Maybe.**


End file.
